What Now?

Have you ever made a plan for your life only to have it not come to plan? You start to feel like nothing you want ever comes your way? The thing you want most is just out of reach? I know that I have been in that particular spot so many times in my short 44 years.

So what now? What do I do? Do I give up my lifelong goals or do I keep pushing forward and make my goals a reality? I vote to keep pushing forward to make your life the one you want. Think of it like this, all the times that you failed to reach your goals is honing your skills to make it happen in the future. You are practicing to be great, to be the best at what you want.

Those that know me, know that I wanted children since I was a small child, I played with baby dolls, and played dress up where I got to be the Mommy, and always dreamed of getting married and having beautiful babies that had my fat cheeks. Unfortunately, my baby making materials did not work to provide those chubby cheeked babies I wanted, and I was utterly devastated. Broken beyond repair, I had a stroke while trying to get pregnant, and my memory of who I was was erased. Funny I remember friends from kindergarten, and most of my book knowledge, but Dina is lost to me forever. I had to find myself, literally. It would have been so easy to just give up and to wallow in pity for the things that I lost. Really easy..

Something inside me kept pushing me to move forward. I know a lot of people prayed for me and God was caring for me, but I am human and got weak. So one morning as I was laying in the bed mourning my eternal lack of children and my sense of humor (Craig says), I decided to do a new thing, to live..

Living is that now what that I was asking myself when I realized that I could not change anything that had happened to me and if my futures was going to be better, I had to change myself. Change is what I did, and continue to do. The job that I ended up with was working with babies and children under the age of 21 years. How could God let me the barren woman end up surrounded by precious children everyday, 5 days a week, aaarrrggghhh…

Even though it broke my heart to see these babies each day, I gave them 110% of myself so that they could be better, and while shopping seeing all of the pregnant bellies, and women griping at their children over nothing, I would break down and ask God why I did not deserve to have a child, and what had I done to not be worthy? Please understand that after a lot of prayer and listening for God, understand that God does not work that way. He put me in a place where I could share my influence with children, and to provide them with extra love and understanding. The blessing in my job is when I see the look in the children’s eyes when they come to see me and realize that they have me for the next 60 minutes uninterrupted!! Ms. Dina..

I thank the families for allowing me to love their children, and to share in the care of their child. I also know now that my what now worked itself out to put me in an heavenly ordained place. While I still have moments of self-pity where I want a child that looks like me to squeeze and kiss, God gave me the opportunity to engage with many more children than I could ever have birthed and raised myself. I thank God!!

Dina